Put Down Lines

Lauren's post on pickup lines has me reminiscing. When I was younger, and still learning how to use my powers of bodaciousness for good, I could be pretty awful to a guy trying to holla. I would either ignore him, or say something smartass-y, or look at him dead in the eye and respond with a time-perfected mix of incredulity and sarcasm: "uh, no." These days, I'm much nicer. I realize guys have a hard time of it out there, so even if I'm not remotely interested, I'll usually smile and thank them for the compliment and keep it moving. That is, unless they're completely out of pocket, in which case they'll receive one of my former tactics. So anyway, here are some of my fonder memories receiving a 'cold open.' Memory #1: I was walking on U St. in D.C., on my way to the 7-Eleven with my BFF. Dude in a black truck (don't ask me what it was, I'm not into cars) slows down on the opposite side of the street, and honks. He's looking at me and smiling, saying, "hey, come over here, can I talk to you?" Setting aside the obvious fact that I'm not crossing traffic to talk to someone I've never met (if you know a girl who will, give me her address, so I can beat her with one of my very heavy Frye boots), I just kinda shook my head and kept walking. Him, as his tires squeal: "FOUR EYES!!!" My friend and I fell out laughing on the sidewalk. Variations on the theme: I have been asked to "come over and talk" to countless men sitting comfortably in their vehicles while I am clearly on my way somewhere. It's not like I'm leaning against a building, swinging my purse and chewing some gum. I'm walking at a brisk pace, and YOU want ME to come talk to you? For what? Get outta here! Memory #2: Junior year Howard homecoming. Yardfest. I'm crossing the Yard with a couple of friends, and there's a little traffic jam. While we're paused, I hear a guy behind me say, "I wonder if the front matches the back..." and next thing you know, I'm being tapped on the shoulder. I turn around reflexively, not connecting the statement with the gesture. Dude looks at me, smiles, and is like, "Yep. You're gorgeous." My arm gets yanked by a friend and I'm being pulled through the crowd before I can even process the objectification. Variations on the theme: Ruminations on the backside are not acceptable conversation-starters. I don't envy the ladies out there who haven't much to work with in the backside, but the flip side of the coin is that men believe it's ok to comment on physical attributes with heavy sexual overtones. And the verbiage! It's just... well, this is a PG blog, so I'll just say this: please don't make mention of the bum until we've hung out at least twice. (And again, I know there are women who get all giggly when a dude notices that she's wearing jeans that are two sizes too small, so if you see one, get her address.) Memory #3: The corniness. A old guy said to me, "girl, you look like your breath smells minty!" Points were awarded for originality, but immediately deducted for weirdness. There are lots of other corny, ridiculous, intelligence-insulting lines, but I'm sure you've heard them all. Bonus Lesson: Guys always want to know what works, and I promise you, any woman worth having will respond positively to the following: Hi, my name is X. How are you today? She'll love it because you're presenting yourself to her, not starting off with a "shawty, what yo' name is?" She'll also love it because you're giving her an opportunity to talk about herself. If you follow it up with a "that blouse really complements your complexion," you're in. Go forth and holla!