'Who's Gonna Save My Soul?'

I saw this posted over at Soror 1969's spot. Gnarls made a really simple concept video that somehow manages to be weird, gross, and really heartbreaking.

Imagine That

Things aren't looking too hot for the Pied Piper of R&B. As R. Kelly's trial for child pornography* plods along to its conclusion, it's becoming clear that he doesn't have very many people in his corner. Between the jokes about 'Trapped In The Closet: Part One Million" and the titles of Slate dispatches from the trial ("The Shaggy Defense" and "Sparkle's Revenge"), it would be funny, if it weren't so darn sad. There's a tendency to play blame-the-victim in sex cases, particularly when a male is the aggressor. When Mike Tyson was convicted of raping an 18-year-old beauty contestant back in '91, the defense attempted to paint her as a woman who had consensual sex with him, and then got angry she was treated like a one-night stand. I remember hearing a lot of people, men and women, asking why she went to his room. Having been 18, and having been in the room of a boy or two, I can safely say that going there is not always an indication that you want to go there. The willingness to paint men as sexual predators, and women as weak, yet solely responsible for their own sexual safety would be baffling, if it weren't so clearly misogynistic. When I was in college, and the R. Kelly stuff was just coming out, a friend of mine from Chicago told me once that a girl who went to his school had an 'arrangement' with Kelly. He bought her stuff and she let him hit, basically. This is obviously hearsay, but at the time, I, like most of my peers, pretty much just shrugged. Girls want stuff, and men want sex. But five years later, I find the concept that stat rape is okay if both parties are getting what they want to be totally disgusting. The Sun-Times reports that a couple of erstwhile Kelly associates are flying to the Chi to ... have a press conference. About what, nobody seems to know. But it doesn't look promising for Kelly. There was a time when I was able to separate Kelly's music from Kelly the person. But — and this may be directly proportional to the diminished quality of his music over time — I can't do it anymore. I played blame-the-victim, before. But I can't anymore. He's a criminal, and it's time for him to pay the piper. (See what I did there?) * If they prove it's him on the tape, will they be able to get him on the rape charges, eventually? Does it matter that the woman won't testify against him? These are the questions.

Put Down Lines

Lauren's post on pickup lines has me reminiscing. When I was younger, and still learning how to use my powers of bodaciousness for good, I could be pretty awful to a guy trying to holla. I would either ignore him, or say something smartass-y, or look at him dead in the eye and respond with a time-perfected mix of incredulity and sarcasm: "uh, no." These days, I'm much nicer. I realize guys have a hard time of it out there, so even if I'm not remotely interested, I'll usually smile and thank them for the compliment and keep it moving. That is, unless they're completely out of pocket, in which case they'll receive one of my former tactics. So anyway, here are some of my fonder memories receiving a 'cold open.' Memory #1: I was walking on U St. in D.C., on my way to the 7-Eleven with my BFF. Dude in a black truck (don't ask me what it was, I'm not into cars) slows down on the opposite side of the street, and honks. He's looking at me and smiling, saying, "hey, come over here, can I talk to you?" Setting aside the obvious fact that I'm not crossing traffic to talk to someone I've never met (if you know a girl who will, give me her address, so I can beat her with one of my very heavy Frye boots), I just kinda shook my head and kept walking. Him, as his tires squeal: "FOUR EYES!!!" My friend and I fell out laughing on the sidewalk. Variations on the theme: I have been asked to "come over and talk" to countless men sitting comfortably in their vehicles while I am clearly on my way somewhere. It's not like I'm leaning against a building, swinging my purse and chewing some gum. I'm walking at a brisk pace, and YOU want ME to come talk to you? For what? Get outta here! Memory #2: Junior year Howard homecoming. Yardfest. I'm crossing the Yard with a couple of friends, and there's a little traffic jam. While we're paused, I hear a guy behind me say, "I wonder if the front matches the back..." and next thing you know, I'm being tapped on the shoulder. I turn around reflexively, not connecting the statement with the gesture. Dude looks at me, smiles, and is like, "Yep. You're gorgeous." My arm gets yanked by a friend and I'm being pulled through the crowd before I can even process the objectification. Variations on the theme: Ruminations on the backside are not acceptable conversation-starters. I don't envy the ladies out there who haven't much to work with in the backside, but the flip side of the coin is that men believe it's ok to comment on physical attributes with heavy sexual overtones. And the verbiage! It's just... well, this is a PG blog, so I'll just say this: please don't make mention of the bum until we've hung out at least twice. (And again, I know there are women who get all giggly when a dude notices that she's wearing jeans that are two sizes too small, so if you see one, get her address.) Memory #3: The corniness. A old guy said to me, "girl, you look like your breath smells minty!" Points were awarded for originality, but immediately deducted for weirdness. There are lots of other corny, ridiculous, intelligence-insulting lines, but I'm sure you've heard them all. Bonus Lesson: Guys always want to know what works, and I promise you, any woman worth having will respond positively to the following: Hi, my name is X. How are you today? She'll love it because you're presenting yourself to her, not starting off with a "shawty, what yo' name is?" She'll also love it because you're giving her an opportunity to talk about herself. If you follow it up with a "that blouse really complements your complexion," you're in. Go forth and holla!

Squelched Those Gigolo Tendencies, Eh?

Mariah Carey is married to Nick Cannon? I'm perplexed. I mean, that's about as random as Condoleeza Rice marrying Cory Booker. Or something.

AIM archives, Vol. 11: the "Tomato Tomato" Edition

Shani-o presents: the return of the AIM archives. V-Day foolishness betwixt me and the Wife. Lauren So which of your many paramours will be delighting in your company for fat baby with a crossbow day? Lol Shani lol none Lauren *gasp* Lol Shani a) none of them are here b) i'm so not a holiday person Lauren Lol Right? Shani yeah like, if you're not doing it every day, then doing it on v-day isn't gonna cut it lol Lauren Everyones all "boo yuck vday" and I'm like "what? Its thursday..." Lol Shani and i hate the chicks who are all bitter lol! seriously Lauren Precisely wife! Lol Shani i repeatedly forgot that it was v-day Lauren Its so easy to do! Shani the only reason i remembered is because of all the lame guys who called the restaurant on monday trying to get a reservation of course, we've been booked for two weeks, lol Lauren It's 1 of those holidays that I don't recall readily Shani i know! it's... thursday, lol Lauren Like pres day or columbus day Or flag day Lol Shani like, why get all in a tizzy Lauren Aww those stupid guys Lol They could at least do something unordinary This chick got all excited here cuz her bf sent her flowers Shani lol Lauren Red roses at that Shani that's cute Lauren *blank stare* Shani lol if it means something to her more power to 'em Lauren I didn't have the heart to say anything. She was so excited Shani lol Lauren I wanted to be like "u know they're gonna die right?" Lol Lol Shani lmao hata Lauren I'm just sayin Last week she wanted to kick him outta the apt Shani yeah Lauren This week he spends 7 min on the phone ordering the most generic flower on earth and she's reinlove Shani oooh, i'm more and more firmly convinced that living with an SO is for the freakin' birds NEVER EVER we are not living together until we walk down the damn aisle Lauren Noooooo Lol I need to know if I can live with u before we make it legal Lol Shani no way lol NOPE Lauren Lol Shani if you love the person, you'll work it out Lauren That's just as ridiculous as not having sex before marriage Lol Shani but merging everything with the option of picking up and walking away... nope oh PLEASE sex before marriage... go for it Lauren Lol Shani but living together... if you care enough to live together, get married Lauren That's good! If it doesn't work out, u don't have to spend a year getting divorced Just decide who moves and gets what cds Lol Shani i just don't think i could go through the merging of the stuff and the living together, and then splitting the stuff when it doesn't work out marriage isn't perfect, but it at least gives you an obligation to TRY at least that's the plan when i get married Lauren U should be obligated to try before u get married Shani but you aren't! that's why it's not marriage Lauren The ceremony won't make u more obligated if you're not already Its just a party Shani haha i see that's where we differ lol the ceremony is symbolic of a commitment that wasn't there before Lauren And u think u couldn't go thru that moreso than getting divorced when u find out about hubby's kiddie porn fetish he could hide cuz u weren't living together? Lol Shani i firmly believe that you can find out everything you need to know about your S.O. without living together unless you're trying not to Lauren Totally disagree Shani lol Lauren Lol Shani eh tomato tomato hahaha Lauren Hahahahaha! I was just typing that! Lol Shani HA! love you Lauren Love u too dear There you have it. Ladies and gentlemen, I think I've found my valentine! (Note: please, please, please, start using Adium as your chat client if you're on a Mac. I love it b/c I can connect to AIM and Gtalk through it -- it supports Yahoo and a host of other chat services too!)

Pink & Blue

"Pretty pink, baby blue; why don't ya teach me something new?"

Things I hate about boys:

1. They never call when they say they will.
2. They don't understand the difference between true intimacy and sex.
3. They care what their boys think.
4. They either don't care about clothes, or care entirely too much.
5. They don't pay their bills on time.
6. They don't pay attention to the world around them.
7. They don't know what women want, and they don't know to ask.
8. They don't know how to pick out a decent bottle of wine.
9. They think external attractiveness matters more than whether or not the chick is crazy.
10. They don't cook.

Incidentally, these are also the same things I hate about girls; just switch the pronouns where appropriate.

I'll take a grown man, please.
____

Listening to: "Help Yourself," Amy Winehouse

Things as they should be

Note: I was supposed to write this last night, but I kinda crashed when I got home. So hopefully you'll be getting not one, but TWO posts from me today.

Saturdays at the Grill are mad busy. We had about five straight hours of wait time, usually between an hour and an hour-forty-five.

Things are winding down when a youngish black family comes in. The daughters (I found out later) are 11 and the mother is pregnant. Dad is the big strong silent type, whose only question is if the food was worth the 45-minute wait. I say it's pretty good, but since I'm trying to accomplish five things at once, I don't give them any recommendations. They take a pager and go sit in the bar and lounge. (A note on the Grill's set up: it has a large main dining room that's separate from a pretty big lounge area. The bar itself faces a long high communal table that seats about 20 and there are four high round tables beyond that which seat 4 or 5 and then there are couches and chairs near the band area and a huge fireplace.) They end up sitting at the big table, as that's the only place available.

I'm at the front doing my hostess thing, talking to another hostess about random stuff, when Dad comes back up and asks where the restroom is. It's way in the back, so I show him to it. When I get back to the host stand, the shopping center security guard is standing there, watching the game on the plasmas above the bar. He'd been in the restaurant already, so I didn't pay much attention to him. (I don't know if this matters, but he's black as well... but he's a little guy. I think it matters, because while we get some people of color, most of our clientele is white.) Security Guard wanders away.

.A little while later, one of the daughters runs to the front door, yelling "Ma!! Come on!!" I'm still doing stuff, so I glance up, but keep working. I keep my eye on her though, and in a few minutes, she's crying. I went up to her and asked her what's wrong. "Some guy is bothering my mom!" she says, upset and shaking. I go to the lounge where Dad has returned and is menacing the security guard, while the other daughter is sitting at the table clutching her mother and crying.

I radio the managers, one of whom is luckily right at the host stand, and he comes. He gets between Security Guard and Dad before the other manager arrives. Dad is visibly angered, while Security Guard is poking out his chest and acting indignant. Manager One gets Security Guard out of the restaurant where he hops into his little white truck and peels away. Manager Two is talking to Dad, who says he is not going to have anyone make his daughters cry. M2 asks the mother what happened. I'm standing next to her (trying to be the reassuring female presence) and she demonstrates on me how SG was ALL up in her personal space, telling her directly in her ear how she shouldn't have kids in the lounge because it's "inappropriate" and he wouldn't back off, even after she told him she was with her family. I point out that this is ridiculous, and mention that kids are allowed everywhere in the restaurant, including AT the bar. M2 seconds that, then says he will be calling SG's boss, which he goes off to do.

I get the girls some tissues, Dad tells them to calm down, and Mom reassures them she's fine.

I go back to the stand and tell the other hostess what happened. We notice Dad keeps coming up and going outside for a few minutes. He does this a few times, and I mention it to M2 when he comes up to get the area police department number. M2, who has two daughter of his own, says something which will probably make me love him forever: "I don't blame him. I'd be doing the same thing."

And this is the point, for me. I believe in certain things, and fathers taking necessary steps to protect their families is one of them. It was unlikely that the guard would return; if he had any sense, he'd be in Montreal by now. Yet Dad stood there, keeping watch.

Call me brainwashed, call me archaic, but I believe in gender roles, and I believe they were developed not out of chauvinism, but out of suitability, both physical and emotional. Have I effectively dealt with a man who got too close for comfort? Oh, most definitely. Would I rather have my man do it for me? Yes. I'm sure the mother (who was very calm through all of this) could have held her own, pregnant and all, but why should she have to, especially when she has two young girls who need to know that everything is ok?

These are just my thoughts, though. As Lu would say: "Nothing more, nothing less."

This was a long post, but it was a long night, and now you get to share it with me.

______

Listening to: Dave Matthews Band, "The Maker"